How to Resolve Anger in Marriage

I read for my marriage class in the talk Agency and Anger by Elder Lynn Robbins in April 1998 Ensign. He said, "Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives. We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: “I will never become angry again.” If you ponder this resolution it is the best thing. I like in the scripture D&C 121:41-42 that says, We are to lead our families by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, kindness, and meekness, and by love unfeigned. A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We have to control our anger in any relationship. “Let husband and wife never speak in loud tones to each other, ‘unless the house is on fire’” I think this is so cool and true when we are calm and collected it works better to communicate. 

I read in another talk called "The Tongue of Angels by Elder Holland in April 2007 Ensign. I like that he said that "Our words like our deeds, should be filled with faith, hope, and charity." Some of the things we say can be destructive and venomous when we get angry. I believe we have to think before we say things and not be negative. We should praise our children and speak kind words to them. Also in our marriage as well. We should speak with the tongue of angels. We should strive to  be more like our Savior, and he loves us and speaks to us with a still small voice. Say edifying words always. I love what Elder Orson F. Whitney once said: “The spirit of the gospel is optimistic; it trusts in God and looks on the bright side of things. The opposite or pessimistic spirit drags men down and away from God, looks on the dark side, murmurs, complains, and is slow to yield obedience.”6 We should honor the Savior’s declaration to “be of good cheer.”7 (Indeed, it seems to me we may be more guilty of breaking that commandment than almost any other!) Speak hopefully. Speak encouragingly, including about yourself. Try not to complain and moan incessantly. We should have the spirit with us and speak kindly to our spouses and family always. 

Marriage is Eternal

A temple marriage is a covenant that bridges death, transcends time, and stretches unbreakable into eternity. Marriage is an important decision on Earth so that we can have eternal families. I liked this quote about marriage that says, "A home with a loving and loyal husband and wife is the supreme setting in which children can be reared in love and righteousness and in which the spiritual and physical needs of children can be met." -Elder David A.  Bednar. I learned that marriage increases the likelihood that fathers and mothers have good relationships with their children. There are doctrines, principles, and applications for marriage that we talked about. The doctrines are temple ordinances, procreation, ordained of God, prayer, forgiveness, promised blessings, and marriage covenant. The principles are men and woman are equal in Christ, sacred roles, Atonement, Plan of Salvation, fidelity, and eternity. The applications are prayer is you pray together, and atonement is the sacrament and temple.

Recently these days people are delaying marriage because they want to get through all of their education and have a good job, but that is not how it should be. We should have a desire to want to get married even when we are still in school, and in the Lord's timing for us. Everyone is on different paths and so we have to be patient for our future. We should not delay marriage or having a family because it is so important. I have learned that you choose your love and love your choice. I have heard that marriage is hard, but it is eternal and so worth it.

“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. you shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.” –F. Burton Howard

"Yes It's Supernatural, It's Godly"

I have really loved this class from Brother Williams! I have learned so much that I know will help me in my future life. I was struck by Brother William's comment this week that, "Marriage is not natural, in fact it's supernatural, it's Godly." The blending of two lives takes work, sacrifice, and a lot of love. It's putting your companions' needs above your own. 

In "The Marriage Box" I see that some of the lessons in this chapter on family relations tie into what we gain as we marry, whether it is a blended family or first time marriage. 

"Most people get married believing a myth that 
marriage is a beautiful box full of all the 
things they have longed for; companionship, 
intimacy, friendship, etc. The truth is that 
marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You
must put something in before you can take 
anything out. There is no love in marriage.
Love is in people, and people put love in 
marriage. There is no romance in marriage.
You have to infuse it into your marriage. A 
couple must learn the art and form of the 
habit of giving, loving, serving, praising 
keeping the box full. If you take out 
more than you put in, the box will be empty." 
- Author unknown 

Of course, everyone wants their marriage to last, and be healthy and strong.  But there are many couples in blended families.  The U.S. divorce rate is around 45 percent, the blended marriage divorce rate is around 67 percent.  There are so many situations where families are trying to form successful blended families.  As with anything in life there will be rewarding and challenging times.  
Maintaining marriage quality in blended families is really important and communication is key. It's important to spend quality time together, and present a unified parenting approach to children. Arguing in front of children will encourage them to come between you. 

Because marriage is ordained of God, we know we can have our Heavenly Father's help.

 I love the quote by Elder Bruce R. McConkie: "The whole aim and purpose of the gospel is to enable men and women-unified as one in the Lord to create for themselves eternal family units in eternity.  Celestial marriage prepares us for the greatest joy and happiness known to mortals and for eternal life in the realms ahead." 

We watched this music video by Brad Paisley- "He Didn't Have To Be", in class and it fit with our class discussion on blended families.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8

Parenting

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them."

-President Thomas S. Monson

"Don't just be reactive, be intentional." I have pondered this thought this week, especially when it comes to parenting. As a parent, they can't just sit back and react after children have done something. Teaching the kids right and wrong before a situation arises is the best thing to ensure their safety. As a child my parents always taught me that I need to work hard and do my chores to get what I want in life. So when life gets hard I know that hard work will always benefit me. 

My parents were always good about giving me power to do my best and overcome anything. They let me make choices and if there were consequences then there were. I want to teach my future children that they need to have courage, self esteem, responsibility, cooperation, and be respectful for themselves and others. Every child wants to belong in their family so you have to care for them. I don't want to discourage my children, but notice their progress and efforts. Self esteem comes from good decisions and confidence. I want to have rules for my children that they can follow, and don't be too harsh. I think by teaching my children that if they do some of the work instead of the parent all the time then they learn a lesson from it.

Fatherhood

             Fathers are central to the emotional well-being of their children.  It is impossible to overestimate the importance of fathers.  Overall girls and boys do better in all areas of their lives with a father who takes an active role in teaching, loving, and supporting their children.  Studies show that if a child’s father is affectionate, supportive, and involved, it will contribute greatly to a child’s cognitive, language, and social development, as well as achievement in school. Higher self- esteem is another area that is found when a father is fulfilling his role as a father.

 It is a known fact that girls will look for men who has some of the same characteristics of her dad.  If the father was kind, loving, and gentle, they will be drawn to those same characteristics.  Boys will model themselves after their fathers. They need their approval, and will copy the behavior of their fathers.  If a dad is controlling, abusive, or dominating it is likely that a son could copy that behavior.  However, when a father is loving, kind, supportive, and protective, a boy will want to emulate those qualities. 

            My experiences with my father growing up were wonderful and I cherished every moment. I grew up in a home full of love, laughter, joy, and hard work. My parents taught me at a very young age that if you want something, you have to work for it. My dad Blair Rigby taught me how to work hard and be determined to do my best. He has always told me to never give up and keep trying, even when it’s hard. He has always been very supportive and attending all my dance recitals, orchestra and choir concerts. My father helps me with anything I need.  I trust him and love him so much. I can talk to my dad about anything that I’m worried about, and he will listen. My dad has paid for my college and apartment since I am the last one at home, which I think is so nice. He is the handyman and fixes my phone or bike. I would say my dad is kind, compassionate, strong, and confident, serves others, and so many other amazing qualities. I don’t know what I would do without my father. He has always been the one that has provided and protected our family. Growing up, I felt a sense of well-being, knowing that at night my dad would come home after a hard day of work, and I could see him. I’m grateful for the relationship I have with my dad that has grown throughout the years. I love my father so much!

  A tradition that has been in my family since I was young is we go on a bike ride every Sunday with our father. I love and cherish the times I have gone on bike rides with my dad because I am able to talk to him about anything. It’s nice to have a time to talk to each other and bond. Also to see the nature, and we always pick asparagus when it is in season on the ride. We used to have a garden and would husk the corn together. I always love going to movies, four- wheeling, cross country skiing, and going out for dinner and ice cream with my dad. My dad loves travelling and so I have enjoyed going on vacations with my father and mother. We plan a big family on trip every year, and it’s so fun! Whether it is Hawaii or camping in Island Park, a family cruise, or a beach house in Florida, the time together is priceless memories.  We love to go to museums, explore new places, eat yummy food and just be together as a family. I love the holidays with my dad because he makes it awesome! My dad would help me with studies including math because it was my hardest subject growing up. Whatever I’m doing with my dad it’s always a blast! He cares so much for me, and so he will do anything to make it the best experience growing up. My dad wants me to have an amazing future husband, so he helps give good advice. I hope I can find a husband that has the same kind of qualities that my father has.    

Motherhood

It has been said that, "Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is." -Donna Bell. My mother is the best example of motherhood to me.

I grew up in a home full of love, laughter, joy, and hard work. My parents taught my family and I at a very young age that if you want something, you have to work for it.  My parents met at Ricks
College, married, started a family, worked hard at a now 40 plus year old business in Rexburg.  My mother worked as a medical receptionist through college, and then was able to be a homemaker and mother while they raised a family of five children.  Often, my mother would say that all she ever wanted to be was a mother, and I can honestly say, she's good at it.  She serves, loves, listens, helps, comforts, and works to make home a place of safety and peace.  She believes in me. Her mothering skills are endless. Growing up, I felt a sense of well being, knowing that when I walked into the house after school, my mom would be there. Those childhood days growing up in a loving home with a mother and father are cherished memories.  

It is getting harder to be a stay at home mom today, but hope I will have that option as a future mother.  Hopefully working from home or part-time would be an ideal. I feel the relationship you build with your children at a young age will help them for the rest of their life. I'm grateful for the relationship I have with my mom that has grown throughout the years. Being a full time mother is one of the greatest responsibilities and blessings a woman can have. I believe it is a calling to be a mother. To be able to nurture, teach,and inspire a child as a mother is an incredible opportunity.  It's something I hope will be in my future.

The joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction. -Elder M. Russell Ballard.



My mother was 37 years old when she gave birth to me. Thank you mamma! I love you!

Communication Is Key!

I believe communication is key in every family! We need to recognize how tone and nonverbal communication impact our cooperation. Some of the nonverbal behaviors are posture and body orientation, eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, touch, personal space, and tone of voice. The pitch of our voice shows our true feelings when we talk. It's important for married couples to make decisions effectively. When we communicate with others of our feelings and be open then it flows in a better way. In all of our relationships we should build trust, and make sure we understand what we people are saying. The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply. I have learned by listening to what somebody says, and I get a lot more out of what they're talking about. In all of my relationships I know that by talking about how I feel is important so it doesn't leave that person guessing.

Improving your listening skills takes practice with everyone. You have to resist distractions, control emotions and tendency to respond, and ask questions. 

Words- 14% 

Tone- 31%

Non Verbal- 51% 

Total=100% 

We can never not communicate. I know a lot of people like to check their phones instead of listen to you, which is so improper. They think looking at that message is more important. I believe you have to be thoughtful and recognize that their is more work in communicating. Family counsels are so important for our lives. We should have no contention when counseling. It's good to start with prayer, be in a sacred place, express love-appreciation, sacred time, the Lords will, and end with prayer for every counsel. Going into a meeting prepared helps us be open and know what we're doing. 

I want to have counsels with my future husband and family to know about everything. I want communication to be key in my future family. I look at my parents example and how they communicate to each other about anything, which is awesome!