"Yes It's Supernatural, It's Godly"

I have really loved this class from Brother Williams! I have learned so much that I know will help me in my future life. I was struck by Brother William's comment this week that, "Marriage is not natural, in fact it's supernatural, it's Godly." The blending of two lives takes work, sacrifice, and a lot of love. It's putting your companions' needs above your own. 

In "The Marriage Box" I see that some of the lessons in this chapter on family relations tie into what we gain as we marry, whether it is a blended family or first time marriage. 

"Most people get married believing a myth that 
marriage is a beautiful box full of all the 
things they have longed for; companionship, 
intimacy, friendship, etc. The truth is that 
marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You
must put something in before you can take 
anything out. There is no love in marriage.
Love is in people, and people put love in 
marriage. There is no romance in marriage.
You have to infuse it into your marriage. A 
couple must learn the art and form of the 
habit of giving, loving, serving, praising 
keeping the box full. If you take out 
more than you put in, the box will be empty." 
- Author unknown 

Of course, everyone wants their marriage to last, and be healthy and strong.  But there are many couples in blended families.  The U.S. divorce rate is around 45 percent, the blended marriage divorce rate is around 67 percent.  There are so many situations where families are trying to form successful blended families.  As with anything in life there will be rewarding and challenging times.  
Maintaining marriage quality in blended families is really important and communication is key. It's important to spend quality time together, and present a unified parenting approach to children. Arguing in front of children will encourage them to come between you. 

Because marriage is ordained of God, we know we can have our Heavenly Father's help.

 I love the quote by Elder Bruce R. McConkie: "The whole aim and purpose of the gospel is to enable men and women-unified as one in the Lord to create for themselves eternal family units in eternity.  Celestial marriage prepares us for the greatest joy and happiness known to mortals and for eternal life in the realms ahead." 

We watched this music video by Brad Paisley- "He Didn't Have To Be", in class and it fit with our class discussion on blended families.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8

Parenting

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them."

-President Thomas S. Monson

"Don't just be reactive, be intentional." I have pondered this thought this week, especially when it comes to parenting. As a parent, they can't just sit back and react after children have done something. Teaching the kids right and wrong before a situation arises is the best thing to ensure their safety. As a child my parents always taught me that I need to work hard and do my chores to get what I want in life. So when life gets hard I know that hard work will always benefit me. 

My parents were always good about giving me power to do my best and overcome anything. They let me make choices and if there were consequences then there were. I want to teach my future children that they need to have courage, self esteem, responsibility, cooperation, and be respectful for themselves and others. Every child wants to belong in their family so you have to care for them. I don't want to discourage my children, but notice their progress and efforts. Self esteem comes from good decisions and confidence. I want to have rules for my children that they can follow, and don't be too harsh. I think by teaching my children that if they do some of the work instead of the parent all the time then they learn a lesson from it.

Fatherhood

             Fathers are central to the emotional well-being of their children.  It is impossible to overestimate the importance of fathers.  Overall girls and boys do better in all areas of their lives with a father who takes an active role in teaching, loving, and supporting their children.  Studies show that if a child’s father is affectionate, supportive, and involved, it will contribute greatly to a child’s cognitive, language, and social development, as well as achievement in school. Higher self- esteem is another area that is found when a father is fulfilling his role as a father.

 It is a known fact that girls will look for men who has some of the same characteristics of her dad.  If the father was kind, loving, and gentle, they will be drawn to those same characteristics.  Boys will model themselves after their fathers. They need their approval, and will copy the behavior of their fathers.  If a dad is controlling, abusive, or dominating it is likely that a son could copy that behavior.  However, when a father is loving, kind, supportive, and protective, a boy will want to emulate those qualities. 

            My experiences with my father growing up were wonderful and I cherished every moment. I grew up in a home full of love, laughter, joy, and hard work. My parents taught me at a very young age that if you want something, you have to work for it. My dad Blair Rigby taught me how to work hard and be determined to do my best. He has always told me to never give up and keep trying, even when it’s hard. He has always been very supportive and attending all my dance recitals, orchestra and choir concerts. My father helps me with anything I need.  I trust him and love him so much. I can talk to my dad about anything that I’m worried about, and he will listen. My dad has paid for my college and apartment since I am the last one at home, which I think is so nice. He is the handyman and fixes my phone or bike. I would say my dad is kind, compassionate, strong, and confident, serves others, and so many other amazing qualities. I don’t know what I would do without my father. He has always been the one that has provided and protected our family. Growing up, I felt a sense of well-being, knowing that at night my dad would come home after a hard day of work, and I could see him. I’m grateful for the relationship I have with my dad that has grown throughout the years. I love my father so much!

  A tradition that has been in my family since I was young is we go on a bike ride every Sunday with our father. I love and cherish the times I have gone on bike rides with my dad because I am able to talk to him about anything. It’s nice to have a time to talk to each other and bond. Also to see the nature, and we always pick asparagus when it is in season on the ride. We used to have a garden and would husk the corn together. I always love going to movies, four- wheeling, cross country skiing, and going out for dinner and ice cream with my dad. My dad loves travelling and so I have enjoyed going on vacations with my father and mother. We plan a big family on trip every year, and it’s so fun! Whether it is Hawaii or camping in Island Park, a family cruise, or a beach house in Florida, the time together is priceless memories.  We love to go to museums, explore new places, eat yummy food and just be together as a family. I love the holidays with my dad because he makes it awesome! My dad would help me with studies including math because it was my hardest subject growing up. Whatever I’m doing with my dad it’s always a blast! He cares so much for me, and so he will do anything to make it the best experience growing up. My dad wants me to have an amazing future husband, so he helps give good advice. I hope I can find a husband that has the same kind of qualities that my father has.    

Motherhood

It has been said that, "Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is." -Donna Bell. My mother is the best example of motherhood to me.

I grew up in a home full of love, laughter, joy, and hard work. My parents taught my family and I at a very young age that if you want something, you have to work for it.  My parents met at Ricks
College, married, started a family, worked hard at a now 40 plus year old business in Rexburg.  My mother worked as a medical receptionist through college, and then was able to be a homemaker and mother while they raised a family of five children.  Often, my mother would say that all she ever wanted to be was a mother, and I can honestly say, she's good at it.  She serves, loves, listens, helps, comforts, and works to make home a place of safety and peace.  She believes in me. Her mothering skills are endless. Growing up, I felt a sense of well being, knowing that when I walked into the house after school, my mom would be there. Those childhood days growing up in a loving home with a mother and father are cherished memories.  

It is getting harder to be a stay at home mom today, but hope I will have that option as a future mother.  Hopefully working from home or part-time would be an ideal. I feel the relationship you build with your children at a young age will help them for the rest of their life. I'm grateful for the relationship I have with my mom that has grown throughout the years. Being a full time mother is one of the greatest responsibilities and blessings a woman can have. I believe it is a calling to be a mother. To be able to nurture, teach,and inspire a child as a mother is an incredible opportunity.  It's something I hope will be in my future.

The joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction. -Elder M. Russell Ballard.



My mother was 37 years old when she gave birth to me. Thank you mamma! I love you!

Communication Is Key!

I believe communication is key in every family! We need to recognize how tone and nonverbal communication impact our cooperation. Some of the nonverbal behaviors are posture and body orientation, eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, touch, personal space, and tone of voice. The pitch of our voice shows our true feelings when we talk. It's important for married couples to make decisions effectively. When we communicate with others of our feelings and be open then it flows in a better way. In all of our relationships we should build trust, and make sure we understand what we people are saying. The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply. I have learned by listening to what somebody says, and I get a lot more out of what they're talking about. In all of my relationships I know that by talking about how I feel is important so it doesn't leave that person guessing.

Improving your listening skills takes practice with everyone. You have to resist distractions, control emotions and tendency to respond, and ask questions. 

Words- 14% 

Tone- 31%

Non Verbal- 51% 

Total=100% 

We can never not communicate. I know a lot of people like to check their phones instead of listen to you, which is so improper. They think looking at that message is more important. I believe you have to be thoughtful and recognize that their is more work in communicating. Family counsels are so important for our lives. We should have no contention when counseling. It's good to start with prayer, be in a sacred place, express love-appreciation, sacred time, the Lords will, and end with prayer for every counsel. Going into a meeting prepared helps us be open and know what we're doing. 

I want to have counsels with my future husband and family to know about everything. I want communication to be key in my future family. I look at my parents example and how they communicate to each other about anything, which is awesome! 

Coping in Family Crises

Every family must deal with times of stress and crisis.  Its one of the greatest challenges we face in life.  The daily battle of stress. Stress is a normal part of life. Stress can motivate you to get something done.  Families as well as individuals battle daily stressors that effect them to the point of crisis. What kinds of stressor events result in family crisis?  The death of a child is one of the most severe crises anyone faces. The suffering and pain for a family is unimaginable.  Severe trauma like this is more than most families can handle.  

Some of the common stressor's of a crisis are death, serious illness, accidents, loss of work, an unwanted pregnancy, moving, alcohol abuse, and infidelity. Next to death, separation, and divorce, family violence is the most difficult experience people confront. 

People react to crisis in different ways.  We know that we can't control what happens to us, but we can try to control how we respond to life crisis.  Ineffective coping patterns leave people at a lower level of functioning. Denial, avoidance, and scapegoating are ineffective coping patterns.  Effective coping is facilitated by developing family strengths.  It is taking responsibility, affirming individual and family worth, balancing self concern with other concerns, and finding and using available resources. 

I found a quote by President Howard W. Hunter that he said, "Please remember this one thing. If our lives and our faith are centered upon Jesus Christ and His restored gospel, nothing can ever go permanently wrong." (BYU Devotional Speeches, 13 March 1989, p.112). 

Our Part in the Plan of Salvation

I want to teach my children that sex is sacred. Sex is a procreative power to bring spirits to earth, to experience the plan of salvation. I believe this is the most sacred thing on earth. This is the first step to the fathers plan, bringing his children to earth. We are so lucky to assist in this first step in the plan of salvation. Elder Holland says, "It would be better not to address the topic than to damage it with casualty."

The plan has been set for children to come to families, families who obey God and raise their children in love and honor. This first step can't work unless it is a righteous family that the child is brought to. The second point is that families assist God in the plan of salvation as they raise their children in love and honor. God allows all of his children to have this wonderful plan be brought to pass, and then teaching their children. It is so magnificent of our father to give us this opportunity in his perfect plan. I love him and so grateful for this.

I testify that if we are worthy, active, and keeping our covenants we can be blessed in God's wonderful plan of salvation.

"Sex is Good, its a Gift From God, it's Worth the Wait."

We can learn from sex therapist, Laura Botherson, that it is important to speak to ones child about sex at key phases in the child's life. Before the age of eight, before puberty, and before marriage. The parents attitudes and beliefs about sex greatly influence the understanding and comfort of the child.

Doctor Botherson strongly suggests that children will have a better sex life after marriage, if their parents adequately prepare them in their adolescent years. Sex can be a topic in Mormon culture that many parents dance around and avoid. This leaves the children with a lack of understanding and the important role it plays in marriage.

I think it would be a good idea to teach that sex is a sacred thing to our children. Intimacy is a great way to know each other, and is so important. Every topic of covenant keeping in marriage is a big role in marital success, and each should be taught to the child with care and consideration.

Someday I'm Going To Get Married!!!

Someday, I'm going to get married!  I am sure of it!  This chapter covers a few very important realities for me.  It is all about getting married. Under the title of expectations it states, " When people marry, they have certain expectations about what their marriage will involve.  They expect that marriage will make them happy and fulfilled, and that it will last.  Most people believe that the best way to have and to maintain intimacy is through marriage."  {Marriage and Family The Quest For Intimacy, Robert H. Lauer, Jeanette C. Lauer  187,188}.

  Believing that  "you're my everything" expectation is unrealistic and can lead to serious marital problems.  At the same time marriage can bring a certain amount of life satisfaction.  Studies prove that  married people are generally happier than single people.  That being said, things begin to change after a marriage begins.  Some would say, that reality sets in and rent needs to be paid, dinner prepared, and life gets busy.  Time and energy is not just devoted to each other but to everything else.
In this chapter it says, " Human life is not a honeymoon.  Marriage is not a honeymoon, but it is important to keep in mind that the exhilaration of the honeymoon can be periodically recaptured in a long-term relationship"

Now that the air has been let out of my balloon of....." I'm getting married someday!"  I'll just end this blog post with a hopeful expectation, that it's all up to me as well as my future husband to keep the honeymoon going.    

Falling in Love is the Fun Part and The Five Points of the RAM Model

Falling in love is the fun part!  It's a wonderful feeling I'm sure.   Being a romantic at heart, I look forward to all the trimmings of a relationship,love,and marriage.  One thing I know for sure, is that the Ram Model has a point!  Actually five points to be exact.  RAM stands for Relationship Attachment Model which is produced by Dr. John Van Epp. The RAM Model helps to look at how relationships should grow to become healthy relationships.  Here are the five important parts which helps bond a relationship.

1. KNOW- Know your partner. Learning about a person is a very key point to understanding if he or       she is a possible consideration for falling in love with them. The knowing comes first and
     trust develops.

2-TRUST- Trust your partner. The more you know about your partner can help you develop a feeling
    of trust for them.

3-RELY- Reliance grows from the ways you meet another persons needs, as well as how they meet        your needs.

4-COMMIT- You are committed to them and the relationship.  This is that oneness and unity
   of being a couple and belonging to one another.  Being sincere, and loyal.

5-TOUCH- Sexual touch- a strong contributor to the feelings of intimacy and closeness in any romantic relationship. Often, the physical part of a relationship begins too fast leaving no room to develop the other four parts of the RAM Model. Touch is a very important element that strengthens and unifies a marriage relationship and is meant to draw a couple together as one.
   

It is a good thing when a relationship contains all 5 of these points.  However if your relationship has 4 of these they can carry you until you can work to gain all five. If a relationship is built only and foremost on touch, what will happen during the conflict of a fight?  It's hard to want to touch when you are frustrated or angry.  If you don't know and trust the person you love, what keeps a relationship together?

Understanding the  RAM Model offers a starting point  for a loving, successful relationship.  Romance aside, I believe to know, trust, rely, commit, and touch will add up to a great love story!

                           Annie

Diversity in Families

Family and the Meaning of Family in a Diverse World

I love my family.  I am the baby in a family of five children.  I have a loving Father who provides and protects us.  He is an example of honor, strength, and service to God, and his role as a husband, father, as well as a grandfather.  I have a mother who loves, nurtures and supports me in all I do.  Her example of service and devotion to family is an example that I hope to follow.  I have one older brother and he is the best big brother I could ask for.  I have three beautiful older sisters who are all married now and raising beautiful families with their husbands.  I love my sisters so much.  Family plays a very important part in my life.  These individual relationships strengthen and help me become the person I want to be.  I haven't even mentioned, my extended family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins who play a gigantic role in our family structure.  Of, course, not all families have two parents.  Some are composed of single parent homes.  There are mixed races and some with two adults of the same sex with or without children.  Which comes to my post about the diversity in families today.

 The question, what is meant by family?  In Marriage and Family, The Quest for Intimacy, chapter 2 it states, the way to define family is to identify its functions. Anthropologist have identified four functions that all families fulfill: sexual relations, reproduction, socialization of children, and economic cooperation, This view is somewhat lacking to me.  Another definition of family is a group united by marriage.  It's interesting to note that over 20 years ago, President Gordon B. Hinckley introduced The Family, A Proclamation To The World. Who could imagine how important it would become in defending marriage and family today?  Whatever type of family we belong too still needs some of the very same values to hold families together.  Love, respect, support, and sharing are vital in all types of families.  Every family has strengths as well as challenges. I know that diversity in families is a fact of life.  What matters most is love.

Consider Therapy

Some people are labeled because they are gay or homosexual, but I learned in class that you don't see them you see the label, which is kind of sad. You want to see any person as a child of God. I think that people are socialized as well as tempted to be gay. Whether that be through abuse, childhood experiences, or rejection from others of their same sex. I don't know all the reasons why people feel homosexual feelings, but I do know that these feelings have the potential to be overcome through therapy, like a porn addiction, depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness or addiction we deal with. Yes, it will be hard. And yes, it is a real struggle. I firmly believe that there is nothing the Atonement of Jesus Christ cannot heal. If we have the desire to change, and the desire to heal, he can heal us. But, we have to have the desire. This change could take a lifetime, some may never overcome homosexual temptations in this life, just like others may never be completely free from the temptation of pornography. I do know that we can overcome everything with Christ. Even if you still feel tempted till the day that you die, you can overcome the desire to act on your temptation, with Jesus Christ. He loves you, and anything is possible with him. I truly believe that Heavenly Father did not make people "gay" but I do believe that he gives us trials and that is a trial for some.

-"With God, nothing shall be impossible." Matthew 19:26

Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy- I Like This!

As I was reading my Marriage and Family textbook today I found an interesting factor about liking your spouse. In a study of 351 long term marriages, the only criteria was being married for a minimum of 15 years. Then a follow-up study of 100 couples married for 45 years or more. They all had a similar view; which was, that the most important factor is liking your spouse! Liking the kind of person to whom you are married, appreciating the kind of person he or she is. Two quotes directly from my book that emphasize this point are these two comments. "I feel that liking a person in marriage is as important as loving that person. I have to like him so I will love him when things aren't so rosy. Friends enjoy each other's company- enjoy doing things together. That's why friendship really ranks high in my reasons for our happy marriage." From the perspective of a husband he summed up the importance of friendship and liking when he said, "Jen is just the best friend I have. I would rather spend time with her, talk with her, be with her than anyone else." And a wife noted that she liked the kind of person her husband was so much that she would want to be friends with him even If she wasn't married to him. To me, liking each other and sharing similar values is key to a happy marriage.

"It is only a myth that people marry each other purely out of love." One woman said of course so many other factors are important, such as humor(which I like) and the ability to handle conflict constructively together. Love this! I believe it is not just finding the right person but liking each other and sharing similar values, and working together to form a life. I like this! I like this a lot! Because of this chapter I am going to make sure that whomever I date and go forward in a serious relationship I will realize how important it is to like that person.

P.S I hope you "like" this post!:) 

                                                              Annie Rigby 

Understanding Family Dynamics and Theories- Counsel and Family Councils

Home has always been a place of comfort and safety for me. President James E. Faust said, "In addition to temples, surely another holy place on earth ought to be our homes. The feelings of holiness in my home prepared me for the feelings of holiness in the temple." In this post I want to write about two things I feel will help the family dynamics of any home. They are family rules and family councils. Some of my thoughts will come from M. Russell Ballard's General Conference talk in April 2016. Family Rules help unite families with purpose, direction, and safety. I found a list of 11 family rules that I love.

1. We never give up.

2. We say I'm sorry.

3. We like to have fun.

4. We say please and thank you.

5. We give big hugs. 

6. We are crazy.

7. We do forgiveness. 

8. We make mistakes.

9. We give second chances.

10. We chase dreams.

11. We say I love you.

Imagine how much help this would offer a family if they incorporated these rules. During class this week we discussed unspoken rules within our homes, some of them were really funny! One classmate said that if they went shopping and bought stuff that it was an unspoken rule to not tell dad! That's funny and bad at the same time! Tonight I asked my parents what they felt was the one unspoken rule that we had in our family, and it was to always express gratitude. When I looked up the definition of gratitude it states: the quality of being thankful: readiness to show appreciation for, and to return kindness. So why practice gratitude in a family? I think it brings happiness and boosts positive emotions. Gratitude reduces anxiety and depression. Gratitude strengthens relationships. Grateful people are helpful and look past themselves to serve others. I love how our prophet President Thomas S. Monson said, "Have an Attitude of Gratitude." President Joseph F. Smith was asked, how can we cultivate an attitude of gratitude? He answered by saying, "The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil." 

Elder Ballard gave a talk in April 2016 General Conference on Family Councils. He taught how family councils have always been needed. "We belonged to a family council in the premortal existence when we lived with our Heavenly parents as their spirit children." Elder Ballard said, "Children desperately need parents willing to listen to them and the family council can provide a time during which family members can learn to understand and love one another." He went on to explain how Alma taught, "Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings and he will direct thee for good." [Alma 37:37]  Inviting the Lord to be part of our family council through prayer will improve our relationships with each other. We can, with Heavenly Father and our Savior's help become more patient, helpful, forgiving, and understanding as we pray for help. With Their help, we can make our homes a little bit of heaven here on earth." (M. Russell Ballard, Family Council, address given at General Conference, April 2, 2016) (page 63,64,65) 

I believe family councils can strengthen, protect, and safeguard our family relationships.

First Kiss, The Context of Intimacy

Sometimes, its just that first kiss that sets a lifetime of love, in motion. At least that was the case with my grandparents. In this chapter it asked the question to consider the most colorful story in our family and what we can learn from it. My Grandpa Ray Wendell Rigby is now 93 years old and still tells the story of meeting the love of his life, Lola Jean Cook. I love that her middle name is my middle name. Lola worked as a movie ticket girl at the Paramount Theatre in Idaho Falls, Idaho. That is where Grandpa Ray saw her for the first time. Ray Rigby was a country farm boy from Hibbard near Rexburg. Picture in your mind two boys on a double date with two beautiful girls. My Grandpa Ray was in the back seat of the car with his date, which was not Lola. In fact Lola was in the front seat on a date with Wilford Anderson, my Grandpa's best friend. Ray was pretty smooth and handsome. I actually can't believe that his tactic worked, but it did that night. My Grandpa Ray said to Wilford and Lola, "You know my date had to leave early and I didn't even get a goodnight kiss. Wilford, do you think that it would be alright if Lola would give me a kiss goodnight? Wilford didn't have time to say yes or no because Lola turned around and leaned over the seat and gave my Grandpa a goodnight kiss. My Grandpa Rigby tells how that was the beginning of their love story and the only girl he wanted to kiss forever. They married in the Logan Temple before he went off to be a pilot in the Air Force, when Pearl Harbor was bombed by Japan. They raised a family of seven children including my father. One thing that I took from this chapter is that there is great strength and benefits of marriage and family. As I reflect on my grandparents love story I realize that their marriage was lasting and satisfying because they worked at it. They loved the Lord and served one another. 

The context of intimacy in this first chapter was very enlightening. There is one part under the title well being and Intimacy by Carolyn Cutrona who said quote, "All people in all societies are driven to make intimate connections with others." I'm just glad that my Grandpa Ray Rigby made an intimate connection with my Grandma Lola Jean on that first double date so many years ago. 

By Annie Jean Rigby 

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• http://annienannydays.blogspot.com/  Annie Rigby 
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